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  • Writer's pictureRemi

27 - LEAVE ME ALONE


Since the beginning of the lockdown I have been asking myself:

"Hey, it's time to write on the blog. It's been a thousand years since I shared anything."

Not in the mood.

At first I thought it was totally inappropriate. I didn't have anything specific to say about HIV because I feel like I've already shared EVERYTHING. Now I'm living, experiencing new things and the blog will probably come back to life in the near future but to have something to tell you I think it's necessary to just let go of the pressure I put on myself.

I quit Twitter a week ago.

FINALLY.

I didn't say much about why I did it when I said goodbye to my followers, but I can say it here because this is my home and I can say anything.

On Twitter everything goes very fast, everyone gives their opinion on everything in 250 characters.

Normally I find this very unpleasant, but even more so now that we're locked up at home. So why should I be subjected to an algorithm that puts things in front of me that I don't want to read? I thought about it for a long time, because I really thought that the JOURNAL POSITIF needed every possible tool to show itself. And then I ended up just listening to myself. Twitter is the devil.

I'm alone and entering my fourth week of confinement.

Knowing me, I could have fallen into social media overconsumption, into the indigestion of looped news channels, but not at all.

I turn on the radio, France inter or France info, ½ hour in the morning at breakfast, then I watch the 7.15 pm news and that's it.

Everyone wants to analyse everything in real time, without taking a step back, everyone wants to share their opinion on everything, all the time, even if it means changing it from hour to hour: I find this disturbing, almost more so than the communication of our government...

I have read many articles linking HIV and CoVid-19, especially on the management of the health crisis and the government. Some media outlets are conflating the two for sensationalism.

It is much more racy to headline an article: "Coronavirus: learning from the AIDS experience" rather than "Coronavirus: learning from our experiences". AIDS, a word I have heard and read far too much of lately when the proper term should have been HIV.

It seems we have not finished fighting to educate the media, the doctors even. Dare I mention these infectious diseases specialists and others who appear on TV in the middle of the pandemic? No, I could get unnecessarily heated.

What I would like to talk about today, in order to keep the positive spirit that runs through my journal, is the principle of Resilience.

I feel that this is a bit of a buzzword at the moment and probably rightly so.

As soon as the lock down was announced, to speak of my own case, I totally submitted to the rules of the game.

I didn't try to fight emotionally, to whine like: "Oh dear, this is horrible, I won't be able to go to the terrace anymore, blah, blah, blah".

At no time did I feel like fighting. I even think that a part of me is relieved to have to take a break.

I am physically alone in a 48 m2 flat with a micro-balcony. I could have moved to my parents' house in the country with a garden. I could have spent the confinement with my boyfriend. I had a lot of alternatives but no, I decided, in my heart and soul, to live this experience alone. I go out once a week to do my shopping, I'm loaded like a mule and I carry my bags at arm's length up my three flights of stairs because I have to, but I don't go out every day. That's my rule, it's also just what we're asked to do.

Why am I so strict?

I've just lost my job, well, I've been on short-time working since Friday and I'm sure I'll be out for at least another month.

I have never felt so useless in my life.

It's hard to realise how irrelevant my role in society is. I've always known that I'm not saving lives, it's even something I tell my colleagues when they're stressed out because we haven't received the samples for our showrooms on time:

"Let's calm down, nobody's going to die.".

This has never been more true.

I'm not saying that my life is meaningless, I'm just saying that I've stopped working while others are underwater. It's a simple observation.

Today I need to put meaning into what I do and I do it by staying at home, alone.

I know that my life will change. I can feel it deep inside me. I know that many people's lives will change too, not just mine.

This resilience revealed itself to me instantly.

When I felt the lockdown coming on I immediately went into hermit mode. Some people would see this as a withdrawal, but I simply didn't want to suffer the anxieties, fears and complaints of others and even friends.

Is it selfish? I wouldn't call it that. It's a way of protecting myself, surrounding myself with good energy and living this period of confinement as best as possible.

I would have hated to fight my internal demons right now and I'm so glad I managed to defeat them beforehand.

So being invaded by other people's internal demons?

No thanks.

Without parasites, it allows me to see what is important to me today.

My friends, my family, my colleagues (who are much more than that) and the boy I'm dating.

Nothing else. But in the end, that was also the case before the confinement.

This resilience we contribute together, we build it together, we help each other to overcome this ordeal.

We reassure each other if necessary, we laugh, we play, we drink together. We do everything together. We have never been so connected to each other.

Finally, isn't it thanks to these exchanges that we are able to reach a state of resilience?

We confined people are lucky.

Life offers us the opportunity to be together when we don't usually take the time.

Do I miss my work?

Did I marry the right person?

Can I be a mother 24 hours a day?

Who am I?

Isn't this the best time to get to know ourselves better, alone or together?

Isn't this the best time to stop fighting everything, to observe, and just be who we are?

We are lucky to be confined, it is a gift.

Let's make good use of it.

I have a hunch that the best is yet to come.

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