19 - MY WAY
I am finally on holiday.
Wouldn't it be the best time to take stock of this first year in Bordeaux?
As you know, I left Paris in June 2018, after 15 years, to move to the South West. This was a long-standing project that I had with N. and that I dared to attempt solo. I am very lucky because I had the support of my employers, which reassured me enormously. I would never have left if I hadn't been able to keep my job. I am one of those people who love what they do and at the same time I fought a lot for it. So having their support was not a luxury.
My arrival was a bit complicated. I only knew two people. Of course, they are P. and her boyfriend A., but I am used to having many people around me. The first two weeks were a bit difficult. I really wondered if I had made the right choice.
And then I met J., a wonderful, bubbly girl, who took me under her wing a bit and introduced me to her group of friends. When I met all these people, I immediately felt like me. I had the feeling in Paris that I couldn't be, that I had to play a role, and that finally being me was not something that could simply be envisaged. But there, no, nothing like that. Everyone is different, everyone evolves in very distinct universes, but what finally binds this small group is the sincerity of the shared moments, the availability, a certain vision of the world and above all: nobody judges anyone.
All this to say that my friendly solitude was very short-lived and that was what worried me. Thinking about it, this is also what I was looking for when I left Paris: to have more time to take my time, to observe, to digest, to live but at a slower pace.
I didn't know why I needed this yet, but it was only a few months later that I launched the blog. Because I had the energy, the time, and of course when you have less daily parasites to distract you, some wounds are allowed to resurface. I would have thought it a shame not to heal them.
I didn't wait until I was in Bordeaux to experience the rejection of HIV, but I have the impression that things were more intense here. I must admit that I didn't stop myself from meeting boys during the first few months. I didn't necessarily manage to talk about it with them, so sometimes even if I liked a boy, I preferred not to give any more news so as not to have to face a potential disappointment.
I reached the height of the negative effects of silence with the boy from Nantes, who had provoked this famous liberating trigger and honestly, freeing my speech saved my life.
I am weighing my words as I write this.
J. and P. said to me a short time ago, without consulting each other:
"What a journey you have made in a few months".
I no longer have the impression that I am suffering my life, suffering from others and their rejection. Today I am completely happy.
Of course I had some difficult moments this year, some of which I preferred to keep quiet on the blog. But the fact of knowing myself, of being in phase with myself, of being surrounded by the right people has considerably accelerated the healing of these new wounds.
With regard to celibacy I feel that something has changed too. I live it, I perceive it differently. I have recently realised to what extent I can modify myself, adapt myself, to suit a person and this is something I refuse to reproduce today. All this for fear of rejection, of not being liked. I don't care about not being loved anymore. I decided to love myself a little more to create that balance and it works well. If a guy comes along and fits into that then I'll be happy, but in the meantime I won't be fighting in a vacuum.
From a medical point of view, my last two tests were very good. Since I left Paris my CD4 count, which is usually very low, has gone up dramatically. This shows that the living environment and the psychological state of mind can also have an impact beyond the treatment.
I said goodbye to the Professor who had been following me in Paris for 11 years. I hesitated for a long time but I find it more practical to be followed in Bordeaux. She said goodbye to me as if I were just another patient, and this is probably her reality. But it wasn't mine. I have no regrets.
We had to consider therapeutic relief, but it seems that this is not yet "officially" possible. I hope to be able to benefit from it soon. Psychologically and physically, only taking medication 4 days a week is important. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I also freed myself with the last story I posted, SIDERATION, and to my sisters I feel relieved at their reaction. However, I don't regret not saying it when it happened. I did it with my weapons at the time and I didn't have many at 23. Today I am facing up to it and even if the idea of filing a complaint is always legally possible, I don't need it in my reconstruction, to move forward. I am not a victim and I don't need to be recognised as such. I win by being the boy I am today. I had intended to come back to the subject at greater length but I no longer feel like it. I have told my story, I have tried to describe all the emotional stages of what I believe to be a trauma. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
One of the positive things about the creation of the JOURNAL POSITIF is that it makes it easier to talk about HIV, both in everyday life and on the networks. The natural selection takes care of itself and I don't have to get involved with people who are clearly bad. You've shown me a lot of nice things too in the last few months and I remember that at first I was really uncomfortable with your affection. I didn't understand why you were congratulating me for being ME. Looking back, I realise that being you is not so easy after all and your words of support illustrate this perfectly.
I came across a phrase yesterday that I want to share with you:
"If you were born into a world you don't fit into, it's because you're here to help create a new one."
Happy Holidays, friends